PseudoPod

I realise that I my existance is birfurcated into the past and the future where the present moves more like the the seconds arm of a watch ... perhaps our consciousness is but a the moving target!?!

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PseudoPod

Friday, September 23, 2005
Rajeev Poduval

now guess what that is??? : )

Its just a small reminder of how different languages & comprehension are for both man as well as machines - one's aptly called a 'lingua' while the other's called 'font' : )

...hmmm now where was I - just tried to post a pic that I took close to month ago and I hope it doesn't interrupt the text flow or obscure anything from sight : ( guess I'd have to wait and check post key session. Talking of which I have been doing very little of but dream of late.

A brief glance at the date stamp and its a shame that its been close to a year since I posted anything on my amorphous blog ; ( tsk tsk - some lethargic fit I've been in!

Thoughts that linger in me head dangerously edge towards clcihe-dom as thier actionablity is oft debated and rationalised with circumstance or the evergreen hope of execution tomorrow ... some moving target they have become - postponment threatens to morph from a verb into a noun when it comes to me : )

Guuess I've oozed out many a whine,
for the darkness brings liesure,
for exhaustion to refresh itself with supper to dine!

Slainte,

du ; )
6:14 AM

Monday, October 04, 2004
My heads been tormented by the emotional tsunamis of my past deeds all in one day ... funny what seems natural to me sounds dangerous to others ..and point is does feedback on that suggest that I change myself? For what? Why? valid questions these but I guess its quite hard to put a finger on it and form an opinion especially when you aren't too sure of what been happening and hey there is no need to rush things right?

But but but this has resulted in the emergence of a few basic concerns -

1) who am I in the whole equation?
2) Is something esle happening than what is well ideally supposed to happen between the 'two' instead of 'any two'?
3) where is 'this' going?

One thing that hit me was that the lead was taken by another when I was eager to let things happen naturally - well dunno if the space attracted another into the scene and well and accident happened? Or am I just assuming a lot of things?

I feel that the scene is over populated and is getting real dense for comprehension ... its is getting real blurred as clarity is absent and perhaps that I'm reacting with my version of disconnect ... that's what is happening ...there really isn't any direction besides gravity and a round trip to Bangalore.

Point is I really have to clarify things for the good ... for the very sake of this relationship ... without hurting anyone and of course without being un-true about it in any sense.

Well these are my thoughts for now - hope I haven't missed a thing or if I do then I hope that it crystallizes into something clearer and helps me to understand the relationship in a better light.

... and I have to learn to watch my tongue and start getting those thoughts inside me - thinking out loud is getting me into more than trouble .... its giving the wrong picture to others : ( which means more damage control.

so until then I hope she takes a call on the relationship and brings some clarity into the scene while the coin falls down into a decision.

1:22 AM

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Lapses in time seldom reflect an absence of activity... !?!
... and that was the latest Gyaan from my side ... puzzled if its because of my recent numb or is it the liquor aftermath of the yesterday? While I get to that I thought it would be best to just key in my situational mentalle - a new name for the state of the mind : ) Oh never mind those nomenclatural mischieves of mine : >
as I was saying its strange that I've been speaking my thoughts out loud, expressing myself well - creating a sea of smiles and joy around me as well as an occasional tsunami of misunderstanding that dampens the scene .... ho hum and there's the damage control and the ' phluueze I was joking ' admission of surrender to another ego which does have near panaceal qualities ; )
I'm feeling better already .... as this expression is more or less like a catharisis .... a release of my emotions that makes room for a lot more to come in ..... quite healthy this flow as it keeps the stench of doubt, monotony, insecurity and stagnation away.... phew I'm back to where I am : ) and only if that smiley had teeth ....

Decisions made by oneself or another,
does create a flutter

as we try and brace ourselves with hopes,
and onto a contingency plan do we desperately grope

fear not dear pODU try not to lose the essence,
worry not of the past or the future as we belong to the present

patience is not new to me,
been employing it as old as I'd be

time shall tell in due course,
and we can decide later for better or for worse

forget may I never the joy that she's brought,
whether this ever works or not

guess I have weathered the passage of time,
as I find no more rhyme or reason to nostalgize and whine ; )

1:25 PM

Wednesday, April 07, 2004
2004 - guess there's more!

I've been affected by the recent incidents and situations in the past few weeks and me phalanges reflect the thought in me head.

The typo errors aren't deliberate its just too natural especially since the reason stares back at me.

My left breast aches in a mild painful way while my eyes seek out the source... I smell a conspiracy and the future's a day old for now.

Patience isn't a virtue of late,
its but a curse ~ my very fate!!!

Its more like I feel trapped or is it because I've just realized that the comfort is freezing me brain dead!!!

Hope's a distant as the stars but it glows bright and clear!

Voices in and out of me advise but the conscience is speechless as a deed is to be done!

I'm tired as much as a pinball ball that's got the same trappings but a different collision course...

Is it something urbane?
Have I reached the dead-end?
Am I deadened?
Have my dreams shrunk?
Am I getting older between me ears?
Is this the biggest nightmare I've seen?

I'm on the edge of rage yearing for an opportunity to retaliate but is that me? Is that what I'd like to be?

I need to break this vicious cycle of thought where I have my own space and identity, not the re-enactment of my past!

Why should everyday begin from yesterday? Life's getting as cyclical as a washing machine cycle!

How I 'd wish to reorganise it all ~

No money -> No investment in reading/development/travel ~ GROWTH -> No tangible benefits - personal or professional
-> No joy / happiness -> No idea of the present and future -> Feeling of being trapped -> Despair -> because no Money.....

and that thought is a week old!

so whatdoIdoaboutit?

1) Patience a.k.a. the simple ignorance personified state of mind. Blissful existence where the god times will follows the bad times. Period!

2) Action - oh there are a lot of ways of doing this ~ give them a deadline and work on it

3) A bit of both ~ work on the escape plan and then act them into a corner.

But hey thankfully I've got it out of me - at least expressed it out in all colors and sizes ; >

Cheers ~ knock it off and wake up to the fact that this is just a roadside restaurant not even a motel on the road - Big Picture mate - big picture

... today's problems are tomorrows jokes ; )

Reality check here I come ; )
3:26 AM

Sunday, August 31, 2003
'Yesterday just went past today'

Time amuses me - it really does.

I should shield my musing with an elaborate conceptualization before the critics notice and well of course dismiss it as ' beyond the realms of sanity'.

Its this simple, time is a relative measure of the speed of an event vis-a-vis another. Period and rather impressive in diction huh!?!?

Now what's the funny part you'd ask??? It's elementary, who decides the referral event? You or I or ...well ... it?

Mull on that fellow creation, I'm as lost as a shell on the beach : )
11:48 PM

Friday, March 28, 2003

Curious to know why I skipped a line? Simple ~just got spaced out : )

The first line was filled with silence ... as I join my muted brethren in the West who try to exercise thier territorial democratic rights. The second was a mere verbal hiccup - blame that on my volatile sense of logic!

I kinda hit upon what blogging might look like to me ..nuthin profound or extreme just that its
more like the words we say ~ as they travel far away

The third line skipped??? Ever heard of paragraphs?!? : ) ~ Cheerio one and all : )
1:00 AM

Thursday, March 13, 2003
Been quite some time since I escaped the lethargy of laziness, guess I could call this as the Post-October '02 scenario. Just fresh from watching The Ring- a real spooker with a mild REM sleep interruption. The absence of a vacumn does fill the day and hope too.... lest you noticed it ~ Im on the usual hyperbole ; ) It does amuse me ..this cyber exhibition of my verbal skill which perhaps is a pure manifestation of the deeper confusion of my logical and emotional lines of thought !?!

Does Liquor in the bottle mean that the spirit is within?

Is there a dormant genie bottled up inside - patient for centuries while it memorizes a wish or three to offer to thee who ever ye might be?

( hah that rhymed! ) ...come to think of it .... vulnerability is perhaps the fountain head of greater power ~ the very limit of terminal fear ~ perhaps a cyclic phenomenon naturally executed by the extremes ~ like the magnetic flow between the poles of the earth. Quite a mystery to mull on? Or is it just a plain flabbergasted idea?

You might be in a position to tell me where fact defines fiction ; )

Slainte
9:16 PM